The Art of the Goal Celebration by Dunc, 18th Oct 2009
What a rubbish week this was – as soon as we are elevated to the lofty heights of the “Evening Post Team of the Week”, we end up scoring no goals at all between us. So, in an effort to remind us all of what we should be doing, here’s an instructional guide to the Goal Celebration, happened upon by Dan K. Matt L should definitely learn a few of these.
Worcester College Old Boys Association Football Club Post-Goal Enjoyment Options List
…because goals are really, really good fun.
The ball is placed under the shirt of the scorer, who lies on his back. The rest of the team crowds round him, shouting things like ‘breathe’ and ‘keep pushing’. One player holds his hand. After a few seconds, the ball is forced out from under the shirt and the team exclaims, in unison, “it’s a goal!” It is then customary to smash the ball back into the net.
The scorer places his scoring foot on the back on another player, who is on all fours. Another player takes off his shirt, and uses it to shine the boot.
Two corner flags are immediately seized by the two ‘knights’. Each ‘knight’ then mounts a ‘horse’ a team of three to four players who carry the ‘knight’ aloft. A brief medieval-style jousting competition then takes place.
The Human Pyramid
Either with a base of three or, for safety and speed, a simple base of two.
All players stop on the spot when the goal is scored, and pull their shorts down.
The Ref Shake
All players a form queue in front of the referee and, one by one, shake hands with him.
The African Dance
A group of players, encouraged by the scorer, perform some kind of generic ‘African’ dance (preferably by the corner flag).
All players react as if their team has conceded a goal, not scored one. Examples include kicking turf, bowed heads, arguments about whose fault the goal was, complaints to linesmen that it was offside, shouts of “forget about that now boys, we can still get back into this”.
The scorer acts as if he is a fish, freely going about his business in a body of water. The ‘fisherman’ (another team member) feigns the casting of a rod, and within seconds, the ‘fish’ is ‘caught’. The ‘fisherman’ then reels in the ‘fish’. As seen on dance floors. (That n_MAN frequents.)
The scorer and three team mates take part in a mock-up of the famous challenge from TV’s Gladiators. Scorer eventually makes it through. Another player should play the part of referee John Anderson, unless the actual referee can be persuaded to do so.
The Full Pull
The scorer and another member of the team actually pull. Or perhaps just pretend to.
The Morris Dance
Self-explanatory. Preferably with bells.
All good goal scorers should carry a mask in their sock. If you are a frequent net-finder, be sure to do this.
The Ten Pin Strike
The ten non-scorers line up in a triangular formation. The scorer picks the ball out of the net, and rolls it underarm towards the formation of players. As soon as the ball strikes a player, he falls into the player next to him. This is repeated, until the whole formation has fallen to the ground. The last player to fall should wobble suspensefully before hitting the deck.